The Most Perfectest Person Ever (and Ever) Part I

Well, first I spray them with the hose and tell them to get off my lawn and stop talking to me because dogs aren’t supposed to have human voices like that one did unless they’re on Dog/Cop Show Dramadies like ‘Rin Tin Tin’.

Then, I drop the knowledge so hard that Nickelback realizes how hard they suck and why they should never make another album again except in Canada because no one really cares up there, they’re just Canadians and aren’t even really human beings if you ask everyone else at my NRA meetings.

The following are a few things one must attain in order to become the most perfectest person ever (and ever).

1. Sports Jerseys (complete only w/ mustache) - The perfectest person wears football jerseys to let everyone know they’re die hard serious about athletic activities (and by athletic activities, they mean American football and not the way other countries misspell football). What this also says is “In your FACE, fat head!! I’m gonna pound another round and then let loose on my fine pleather couch later on after I Tebow!!” 

2. Bedazzled iPhone Case - Why would someone need this? Well, let me ask you this: how do you like waiting to be seated when you go to have a nice dinner at the Wal-Mart McDonalds!? Not very much, right? So shut your mouth and quit yelling at me. This oozes class. It says “I’ve graduated from my educational institution and have the GED to prove it“. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Superhero Tattoo (preferably on calf) - When you’re walking down the street and people notice the Christopher Reeves or Michael Keaton is staring at them from your calf, they know that you’re on a quest to save them from themselves (i.e. fighting crime like a mother). The most perfectest person would only ever have a superhero tattoo if they were for reals serious about superheroism. But if you’re a liar and don’t fight crime but possess the tattoo, you have to go to the doctor and get your leg chopped off. Sucks for you.

DBTG: Musician Edition

 

Today, I have the privilege of guest posting over at Tyler Stanton’s blog.

Not only did I get to guest post, but I did a bit (a lot) of shameless self-promotion for ‘Echoes in the Pines‘.

Here’s a quick taste of my post:

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Despite the earnest attempts of every guidance counselor I’ve ever had (even that one lady who worked at my high school for only a week, won the lotto, and told us all to “screw off”) to dissuade me from pursuing any sort of career in music, I chose to head down that road. While I understand (and accept) the fact that I will probably never reach any level of fame or fortune based off of my singing/songwriting ability, I enjoy doing it and will, if I’m able, try to make a few bucks here and there off of it.

But I’ve got to be honest. Musicians are the worst. Seriously. We have a terrible reputation, and rightfully so. We can be flakey, selfish, vain, and any other nasty adjective you want to use. However, the demographic for idiots within the realm of music is pretty broad, extending far beyond musicians and reaching all the way down to the fans.

Bottom line, whether you’re a serious musician or just a fan of music in general, there’s a bit of etiquette one ought to follow.

Make sure you go here to read the rest and even win a free copy of ‘Echoes in the Pines’. 

Baby Shower Etiquette

This past Saturday my wife and I had an incredible baby shower with family and close (family-ish) friends. It was genuinely a great time and we’re both ridiculously grateful for everyone’s help, gifts, love, support, money, stock tips, etc. So, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you mucho much grande burrito.

Since this was technically a “co-ed” shower, I was able (forced at gunpoint…jklolomgyall) to hang around for all of it. I’m not complaining, though.

However, there are a few things I learned that should henceforth be deemed as appropriate Baby Shower Etiquette for every husband who is gracing the mass quantity of estrogenic family members with his awkward presence. A few things a guy should learn, you can say. Take notes, friends.

• This is not your day. Dude, I know that you’re probably thinking everyone is there to congratulate you for impregnating your wife in 30 seconds flat. Well, you’re wrong. Everyone is there to see how gorgeous your wife is, swap stories about pregnancies, and give your baby presents. Whenever you’re congratulated, your response should always be “(Insert Wife’s Name Here) looks beautiful!” As a matter of fact, these are the only words you’re allowed to say. No matter what:
  
  Tipsy Cousin: Where’s the bathroom?
  You: She looks beautiful!
  
  Great-Grandmother: I thought your name was Dennis?
  You: She looks beautiful! 

• Location. Location. Location. Seeing that you’re a male and have all the capability to do whatever physical task you set out to do, you will most likely be assigned to some sort of duty that suits your masculinity well. I was a doorman. I know. Shut up. No. Seriously. It’s not funny, you jerk!! If you’re like me, you’re  probably not going to know half of the people there. That’s ok. Man your post. In fact, my suggestion is that you find a spot where you don’t really have to interact with too many people given that you are only alloted one response for the duration of the shower. My spot was ideal. I greeted people, took their stuff, and sent them to the backyard. Then, I took my spot on the stairs drank my drink and ate rice crispy treats.
• Know your audience. Every time I opened my front door, I greeted everyone like I knew them and missed them dearly, and I beamed with gratitude at their arrival. Even when I opened the door and exclaimed, “HEY!! WOW! I’m so glad you made it!” to the neighbor in the purple jump suit who was pissed just came to yell at me because someone parked in front of her mailbox. I really wish someone would have given me a guest list with pictures next to the names.

Did I miss anything?

10 Facts about Bill Heydorn

Pictured here: Bill (diapers’ owner unknown).

Bill Heydorn is probably one of the most fascinating men on the face of the planet. He is the Marriage and Family Pastor at Crossroads Church and runs (probably the greatest) marriage ministry ever on Wednesday nights, FUSE. If you’ve ever been, your marriage was probably saved or bettered by this man.

“You’re welcome!” Bill just sang in my head in falsetto.

Apart from being an incredibly humble, trustworthy, wise, and well-perfumed man, Bill has a few other attributes about himself that he would most likely be too shy to share with you. So, I will do so (without his permission but in love, kindness, and hippie beads).

1. Bill has only ever been in one real fight in his lifetime. After this fight he was given the title “SEAL TEAM 6″ by the United States Government. America, Freedom, and the fight against Terror thank you, Bill. Go Bald Eagles!
2. Contrary to popular belief, Bill has never won an Olympic Gold Medal. He did, however, win ownership of Mt. Olympus in an arm wrestling contest with Liam Neeson. The contest went on for 87 hours and 13 minutes. Bill napped through most of it.
3. Bill grinds his own coffee beans. With his knuckles. In his palm.
4. Bill won The Hunger Games six years in a row despite his not being chosen as tribute.
5. Bill is watching you right now. So knock that crap off.
6. Jagger has the moves like Bill.
7. Bill inventó el idioma Español. You’re welcome, Antonio Banderas.
8. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries should have gone to Bill. He would have fixed it.
9. Tom Brady is clearly no Bill Heydorn.
10. Bill owns an iPhone. But uses Boost Mobile. Because he can.

Did I miss anything?

Happy Happy Fun Great Good Istagram Pictures!!

Maybe I’m just in a teenage-Japanese-girl-with-a-camera mood today, but here are some fun pictures I took on my Instagram and their caption:

February Photo A Day Challenge: Day 8 (effects of) The Sun

Billy. Born of Milk.

Daddy’s Girl Shirt #2. 

Well, if you insist!

These are so much fun that I take them on a fairly regular semi-everynowandthen basis!

If you have Instagram and are super hipster really really fun time cool, follow me (@davidtrobbins)!!

An Open Letter to Mitt Romney

Dear Mitt Romney,

Hey, Soul Sister!! I just wanted to let you know that you scare the crap out of me. Even looking at your picture now, it looks like you’re saying Orale Vato and trying to start a scuffle with some little kid who wears leg braces. That’s just mean, Mittney.

Can I call you Mittney? It’s short for your whole name, Mitt Romney. FYI.

Look, Mittney, let’s face it already. You won’t win the GOP nomination!! Wanna know why you won’t get the GOP? Because you’re not down with OPP (that’s Other People’s Property). What, with your fancy suits and slicked hair, you’re obviously only down with YPP (Your Personal Property) and that ain’t cool, Mittney.

Quick question, though: Anyone ever tell you that you look a little like Joe Chill? You know, the man who killed Batman’s parents!? That’s basically why I don’t trust you. That was messed up.

I’m not really a fan of politics or government or anything that makes me have to watch CNBC for longer than 10 seconds, so when my remote gets stuck on that friggin’ channel with your face all over it, I’m blaming you, Mittney!! YOU!! I missed the first few scenes from The Mentalist the other night because of you!! And it’s like, once you’ve missed the opening scene from The Mentalist, why even bother trying to catch up and watch the rest!!

You’re a jerk, Mittney. I hope you never win anyone’s GOP ever!!

Sincerely,

David T. Robbins

p.s. Did you see last week’s The Mentalist!? BEST SHOW EVER!

Being Unemployed

Several weeks ago, the store I was (assistant) managing was shut down and left everyone I worked with and myself completely out of the job.

While I won’t go in to my feelings toward the company (Levi’s) that would (hire someone as a full-time employee and then shut down the store only three weeks after employment) do something like that (oh, and did I mention my wife was seven months pregnant at the time?), I am grateful (that I don’t have to work for an evil, satanic, piece of crap company anymore) for the opportunities it has opened (i.e. I’m finally finishing my degree by early 2013 and can start teaching with a real grown-up job)(I like parentheses).

At first, being unemployed was a bit scary. It was a whole new world, Aladdin. I’ve always worked full-time in some capacity, so it took me at least an hour or two to learn the ins and outs of what it takes to do unemployment correctly.

If you find yourself unemployed in the near future, here are a few suggestions for how you ought to spend your time:

1. Get really into a television show. My show of choice is LOST. I’ve never seen it before and remember all the hype about a thousand years ago when the show was super huge and junk. Every day now I watch at least one to two episodes before I plan out what my life would be like on a deserted island. Now, the television show you choose must have several seasons for you to indulge in. This cannot be a new show like New Girl or The River or something like that. You have a lot of time on your hands now and need more than a typical once-a-weeker. That’s for employed folk. You ain’t them no more.
2. Go nuts over health. Look, you don’t want to get fat and ugly and remind yourself of what a failure you are because you don’t have a job anymore, right? Good. I was starting to worry for a second. Sitting on your couch/bed/bathtub/etc. all day will eventually cause your body to pack on a few pounds. In order to fight this, you have to pick some sort of physical exercise and devote around 30 minutes to an hour of your time every day. This can be running, jumping, pretend-swimming, dirty dancing, Hallelujah-ing (to prep for church on Sunday), or lifting weights to get mad buff like Marky Mark Wahlberg. I’m choosing lifting weights and running because I’m ill like that.
3. Grow a beard. Ladies, this means you, too. You’re basically trying to redefine yourself right now because you feel like you suck so bad. The best way to do it is grow a beard. It’s the ultimate “I’m in a transitional phase” statement that you can make to everyone who knows you. Just do it.
4. Start a Day Care. This is the thing I’m genuinely looking forward to most. My daughter will be born in a few weeks and I can’t wait to be able to spend every day with her! I’ve got so much planned: white water rafting, spelunking, sky-diving, hiking Mt. Whitney, bungee jumping, time travel, spelunking some more, and tons of cool junk that’s gonna make me the best dad ever!!

That’s all I’ve got for right now.

Did I miss anything?